I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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