How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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