Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
