Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Semen is not good for contacts.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
