Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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