is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
