i think my tv is drunk
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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