Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
