Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
