the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
