my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize