How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
