I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
