I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
