But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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