Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
