so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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