Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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