I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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