Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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