you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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