I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
