I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
