M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
