Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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