so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
