I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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