Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
