not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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