At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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