Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
