you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
