she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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