tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
