I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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