My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
