thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
