What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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