Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
