so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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