I smell stomach acid.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
