It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
