She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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