life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
