my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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