I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
