i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
