Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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