Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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