I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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