So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
