I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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