today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
