I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
