He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
