Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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