Someone shit on the floor
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
