I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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