We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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