Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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