dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize