How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just made my gag reflex go away.
this just has baby written all over it
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
