Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
