hotel room ftw
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
