Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
