you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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