Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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