Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
a search helicopter?!
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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