Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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