420 ftw
My first STD was from a foam party
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
